One step away from tweaking?

Yesterday I was at a Christmas Chorus rehearsal at work. I do this every year with a group of other employees and it's always a blast. Something that I noticed after last year is that while I'm in the process of rehearsing or performing I seldom look as if I'm enjoying it. And that's because my self-esteem is basement level low and has been for years. Anyway, one of the directors said to me last night, "I'd like to say you're a diamond in the rough, but really what you are is a brightly polished diamond that's afraid to shine." My response, "I know!!!!" His comment struck me in two ways: 1) he recognized that I have talent; 2) other people notice that my self-esteem is lacking and that it's holding me back from doing things I love.

I've been faced with this before. The self-esteem thing has kept me from feeling good enough to do things like finishing school, having a career, going out with my husband, etc. These are pretty major things, and they're all because I judge myself so harshly. I also have a tendency to judge others harshly, most likely because of an inferiority complex.

These issues seem to be deep rooted, and I'm trying to do some soul searching to unearth their origins. When did I start feeling like I wasn't worth anything? When did I start holding myself back because I was riddled with doubt? When did I become afraid? I can tell you that after just writing those three questions I was able to answer "When I was just a little kid" to all of them. Apparently as an adult I found solace in eating, something I didn't find when I was younger because other people controlled what I ate. When I was on my own with food choices I walked right into the loving arms of a chocolate cake. And the chocolate cake hugged me so hard that it still hasn't let go.

I want to walk into a room and have no fears about being noticed. I wonder if all these amazing people out there who have lost 100+ lbs. reached a point when they no longer felt like a freak when they walked into a room. Or do they still feel that way because of underlying self-esteem issues?

I've always been concerned that saying "I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me when I walk into a room" is one step away from paranoid schizophrenia. And now that I think about it, fat people with no self-esteem have a lot in common with paranoid schizophrenics. We think everyone's looking at us and talking about us. In fact, a lot of us have inner voices, too, only ours aren't giving us commands. Our voices just tell us we're worthless. And instead of rocking our bodies back and forth we stuff food in our mouths for a moment's peace. Pretty freaking scary, isn't it?

Dude, I am soooooo going to write a paper on this for college. (I'm going back to college in January, voices be damned.) Who knows, maybe it will lead to a rewarding career in psychology!