Hating on the Skinny Chicks

I can't remember when it happened, but somewhere along the way I became a fat woman and began hating the skinny, pretty hipsters that all of a sudden seemed to surround me in abundance. I find the phenomenon both interesting and scary at the same time.

When did everyone in the room start getting younger, skinnier and prettier than me? Once I noticed that I got angry at all of them. Or so I thought. I guess what really happened is that I got angry with myself for not being them. Then I got even angrier and depressed because I didn't value myself enough to take care of my body. And we all know that kind of thinking is dangereuse, as the French say. It certainly lead me down a path of delightful goodies not unlike those in the first room in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

I can hardly stand to go out anymore. I inevitably feel uncomfortable, like I stand out (which I do a lot of times -- these women in Connecticut are really in shape and it seems like they're all wealthy enough to buy clothes from Ann Taylor or Nordstrom). In being uncomfortable I begin resenting the other women in the room, and sometimes the men, too. I begin feeling very defensive and am only inches away from an argument. I then take all of this out on my husband whom I somehow expect to know exactly how I'm feeling, and how DARE he leave me sitting alone at the table to go off and take pictures of a band, literally exposing me to the potential judgment that surrounds me???

So I hate on the skinny chicks. I latch onto any flaw I can find in them. If I can't find one, I'm almost sure to make one up. "Look how much she flips her hair -- she's pathetic!" "Supermodels have no tits." The men who salivate over them are also fair game. And truth be told, even when I was skinny I couldn't stand pathetic, transparent guys who made picking up women at bars their sport of choice. But now I've reached a new point in disdaining them. Even though I've never wanted that kind of guy to look at me, I'm mad because I'm not the type they want to look at. Jeez, could it get any more convoluted than that???

There are people who think (and say out loud) that fat people just need to stop eating. They don't realize that the dopamine release, the numbing our brains give us is what we seek from the food because we feel pretty shitty virtually all the time. I mean, what's the alternative to that? Pot? Cocaine? Alcohol? Painkillers? A lot of us turn to getting prescription antidepressants from our doctors, but ironically enough those pills make people gain weight. None of those are attractive options for me.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all of this shit go away, but I can't. I pray that someday I find my lost confidence.** I pray that someday I will not project my hatred of myself onto others, and that includes skinny chicks.



**Even if I find that confidence I reserve the right to hate troll guys at bars.