Before Thanksgiving I swore to myself that I'd be fine during the holidays and would stick to my healthful eating guns. Well, I haven't. In fact, I've been so damn bad that I'm almost ashamed. I've decided to write it all down here so I can be faced with what I've eaten and take ownership of it. Here goes...
Cookies - all kinds of them
Cupcakes - only 2 (but they were really, really good)
Pudding - banana with nilla wafers and whipped cream in it, about 2 cups so far (maybe more)
Pot stickers - only 2
Pumpkin cake - was assured it was lowfat, but I have my doubts
Pepperoni bread
Cheese puff appetizers
I'm out of control. I've got to buy some celery and carrots pronto. I'm also not drinking my liquids or working out (gear's in the car, but I pinched something in my neck and can't go just yet).
Help!
Showing posts with label dieting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dieting. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
One step away from tweaking?
Yesterday I was at a Christmas Chorus rehearsal at work. I do this every year with a group of other employees and it's always a blast. Something that I noticed after last year is that while I'm in the process of rehearsing or performing I seldom look as if I'm enjoying it. And that's because my self-esteem is basement level low and has been for years. Anyway, one of the directors said to me last night, "I'd like to say you're a diamond in the rough, but really what you are is a brightly polished diamond that's afraid to shine." My response, "I know!!!!" His comment struck me in two ways: 1) he recognized that I have talent; 2) other people notice that my self-esteem is lacking and that it's holding me back from doing things I love.
I've been faced with this before. The self-esteem thing has kept me from feeling good enough to do things like finishing school, having a career, going out with my husband, etc. These are pretty major things, and they're all because I judge myself so harshly. I also have a tendency to judge others harshly, most likely because of an inferiority complex.
These issues seem to be deep rooted, and I'm trying to do some soul searching to unearth their origins. When did I start feeling like I wasn't worth anything? When did I start holding myself back because I was riddled with doubt? When did I become afraid? I can tell you that after just writing those three questions I was able to answer "When I was just a little kid" to all of them. Apparently as an adult I found solace in eating, something I didn't find when I was younger because other people controlled what I ate. When I was on my own with food choices I walked right into the loving arms of a chocolate cake. And the chocolate cake hugged me so hard that it still hasn't let go.
I want to walk into a room and have no fears about being noticed. I wonder if all these amazing people out there who have lost 100+ lbs. reached a point when they no longer felt like a freak when they walked into a room. Or do they still feel that way because of underlying self-esteem issues?
I've always been concerned that saying "I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me when I walk into a room" is one step away from paranoid schizophrenia. And now that I think about it, fat people with no self-esteem have a lot in common with paranoid schizophrenics. We think everyone's looking at us and talking about us. In fact, a lot of us have inner voices, too, only ours aren't giving us commands. Our voices just tell us we're worthless. And instead of rocking our bodies back and forth we stuff food in our mouths for a moment's peace. Pretty freaking scary, isn't it?
Dude, I am soooooo going to write a paper on this for college. (I'm going back to college in January, voices be damned.) Who knows, maybe it will lead to a rewarding career in psychology!
I've been faced with this before. The self-esteem thing has kept me from feeling good enough to do things like finishing school, having a career, going out with my husband, etc. These are pretty major things, and they're all because I judge myself so harshly. I also have a tendency to judge others harshly, most likely because of an inferiority complex.
These issues seem to be deep rooted, and I'm trying to do some soul searching to unearth their origins. When did I start feeling like I wasn't worth anything? When did I start holding myself back because I was riddled with doubt? When did I become afraid? I can tell you that after just writing those three questions I was able to answer "When I was just a little kid" to all of them. Apparently as an adult I found solace in eating, something I didn't find when I was younger because other people controlled what I ate. When I was on my own with food choices I walked right into the loving arms of a chocolate cake. And the chocolate cake hugged me so hard that it still hasn't let go.
I want to walk into a room and have no fears about being noticed. I wonder if all these amazing people out there who have lost 100+ lbs. reached a point when they no longer felt like a freak when they walked into a room. Or do they still feel that way because of underlying self-esteem issues?
I've always been concerned that saying "I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me when I walk into a room" is one step away from paranoid schizophrenia. And now that I think about it, fat people with no self-esteem have a lot in common with paranoid schizophrenics. We think everyone's looking at us and talking about us. In fact, a lot of us have inner voices, too, only ours aren't giving us commands. Our voices just tell us we're worthless. And instead of rocking our bodies back and forth we stuff food in our mouths for a moment's peace. Pretty freaking scary, isn't it?
Dude, I am soooooo going to write a paper on this for college. (I'm going back to college in January, voices be damned.) Who knows, maybe it will lead to a rewarding career in psychology!
PMS, MS and Dieting
OK. This is a cruel joke from above as far as I'm concerned. You're dieting, exercising, basically doing well and the next thing you know you're eating everything in sight for a week and flogging yourself mercilessly for it. When PMS is over it just becomes MS (Menstrual Syndrome). You start to forgo movement for laying on the couch pumped chock full of ibuprofen to watch something that will make you cry and hope like hell that your husband or child doesn't deign to start an argument over something because you know it will turn into a full blown rage. Your pants are tight because your stomach now looks like you are with child. If you're anything like me you retain so much water that your ankles and fingers swell. You may even have to call out of/late to work because it seems someone somewhere has got a voodoo doll of you and they are stabbing said you-doll in the stomach with a mini machete, leaving you no option other than to curl up in the fetal position and beg for mercy.
Ladies, it's really hard to remain positive after having gone through the self-sabotage mentioned above, but it's important to remember that this is a temporary thing. If you blew your diet during PMS/MS, know that it's not the end of the world. Know that you can hop right back on the food wagon and nobody should fault you for your relapse, not even you. I'd even urge you to try exercising once during your monthly visitor's visit, because, truthfully, exercise actually lessens the symptoms. I've always just lain in bed and not moved for hours, but now I've found that both my cramps and frame of mind benefit significantly from exercising.
Be careful not to weigh yourself while in the throes of "the syndrome" because it could lead to even worse eating behavior when you've noticed 4 or 5 more pounds on the scale. Water weight's a bitch.
Well, I'm off to read a few articles online about women who commit heinous crimes during their periods so I can feel better about eating a piece or five of chocolate cake last week. Be strong.
Ladies, it's really hard to remain positive after having gone through the self-sabotage mentioned above, but it's important to remember that this is a temporary thing. If you blew your diet during PMS/MS, know that it's not the end of the world. Know that you can hop right back on the food wagon and nobody should fault you for your relapse, not even you. I'd even urge you to try exercising once during your monthly visitor's visit, because, truthfully, exercise actually lessens the symptoms. I've always just lain in bed and not moved for hours, but now I've found that both my cramps and frame of mind benefit significantly from exercising.
Be careful not to weigh yourself while in the throes of "the syndrome" because it could lead to even worse eating behavior when you've noticed 4 or 5 more pounds on the scale. Water weight's a bitch.
Well, I'm off to read a few articles online about women who commit heinous crimes during their periods so I can feel better about eating a piece or five of chocolate cake last week. Be strong.
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